I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
then I see why they call you handsome!
A retail store.
They can’t get rid of their bills
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now…. I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin! For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages…. Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life. That dead idiot had a twin brother.
I'm just not very good at it.
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
I want to make sure they're still OK
I just saw the trailer.
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
His funeral was very low key
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
For my black Jeep.
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
But it still has potential.
It cost him an arm and a leg.
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate ……. But I still wish he hadn't
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
Restaurant in peace
The Italians just introduced it to women
They are really good at it.
The rest, as they say, is History.
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.