I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?
A small part of me says yes.
i call myself terms and conditions
because y'all keep ignoring me
I messed up the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia (stolen from tumblr)
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
It was the final of the national poetry competition
There were two finalists – one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West. They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu. Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu." The crowd went wild – amazing for 20 seconds. Then it's the country bumpkin's turn: "Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."
I once made a belt out of $50 bills
It was a waist of money
In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride…
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
My missus packed my bags and left them in the hallway
As I walked out the door, she screamed… "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!" "Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
Engineering Degree: Expectation VS Reality RUSSIAN EDITION
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdeiH5XiNwA
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I played “My Heart Will Go On” on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water…
Schwepped her off her feet…
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Bob was in trouble
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
Dad: Son, what be a pirate’s favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby’s! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate’s favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate’s favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome God: creates birds
