I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
In case they get a hole in one.
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
Because theyre not self-centered.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
I told her this isn’t working out
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.
…except at a funeral
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.” DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?” Caller: “Goan… spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.” DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!” The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.” DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?” Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.” DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
Neil arms weak. Neil joins gym. Neil does chin-ups. Neil Armstrong 2. William making fruit shake. William took pears. William put them in glass. William Shakespeare 3. Jimmy goes to restaurant. Jimmy sits down. Jimmy gets food. Jimmy Choo 4. Tony makes movie. Tony works hard. Tony earns fans. Tony Star k 5. Alan feels happy. Alan runs hard. Alan falls in gutter. Alan Reekman (Rickman) 6. Usain s*** scared. Usain screams. Usain close doors. Usain Bolt.
The stock market.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
So now I shower before every meal.
I can Nazi
They're always up to something.