I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451. I asked him, “How do you like it?”
He said, “This book is lit.”
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here, because it’s only funny under certain circumstances
certain circumstances funny
Why don’t zombies eat ghost?
They taste like sheet.
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
What do you call a zombie who writes his own music?
A decomposer.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the Dark.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL73BOpg7G4
How do you make somebody curious?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
No text found
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
How do you rescusitate a sheep?
You give it Sheep PR
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
What is a Monarchist’s least favorite type of music?
Royalty free music
A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.
He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he hires him. Sure enough, a few days later, the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand. The man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later, the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished; and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can’t just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free, he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk. “It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair,” noted the man. “Why do you do it?” The monk replied, “Religious reasons.” The man then says, “I don’t know much about Buddhism. Why do you need to repair fences?” “Because,” the monk replied, “you would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.”
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole