I’ve got a date with a woman form the sewing machine factory.
She seams nice
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice
And that’s Chris Brown
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation”?
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
What do you call baby dumps?
Dumplings.
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
What did the burger say to the bun?
I'll meat you in the middle.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
Adam meets a witch
The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"! Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed! Adam: "Nope. You're hideous." The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato." Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still adamant.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
No text found
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”
What do you call a stolen Tesla
An Edison
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
Love is like a fart
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
My mom used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid and insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it…
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth…
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
