I’ve got a friend who reminds me of a software update.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
Thank god Canada’s not the global super power
Or we'd all be sorry
With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies “well I know he’s a bad driver and a moron”
Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
My sister just asked me to help do some chores, but I refused.
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
Donald trump walks into a bar…
And lowers it.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
So my 8yo son wanted to learn programming. He fiddled around with LOGO when suddenly he started swearing like never before…
.. I went over to him trying to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. He shouted at the screen that “this damn turtle won’t draw what he told it to”. At this moment he went completely silent starring at his code. Then he performed his first genuine face palm stating that he forgot to put the “pendown”.Yes dear son, this is how programmers feel literally every day.
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
A blonde and brunette rob a bank
A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!" The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20.. "This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically. 30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car. She jumps in and the brunette floors it. The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car. A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down. The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I knew you'd screw this up. I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe…"
What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
A man goes to join an order of monks.
A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.
I’ll be studying a broad.
Surprise dad joke from my wife
I will preface this by saying I work in IT. The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was “you’ve got to sit down your dad’s not a glassmaker” My wife’s response was “but he does work with Windows” I am a proud husband.
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
What are a spy’s favorite shoes?
Sneakers
A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
My favourite sex position is called “WOW” …
It's where I flip your MOM over
What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
father: how are your grades son?
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
What’s the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator. Edit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
https://ift.tt/2Vbc0Tj
To whoever stole my copy of microsoft office.
I will find you. YOU HAVE MY WORD!