I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.
Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot says!”
Then she looked in the freezer
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
Unless you count Dracula.
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
She told em to pipe down.
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
They’re just waiting their turn.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I thought we had good alchemy.
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
I'm going to put my glasses on
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
He came, he saw, he conquered.
right where it hertz.
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow See how she fucking likes it !
Now I'm a werehouse.
[Just some context] Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment. When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer." I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"
A billiards table