I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
Went out with a bang…
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking
Which means our women will be driving
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
Mass confusion.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war…
…5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.
There are two types of people. People who need closure
No text found
What’s angry, calm and white?
My bi-polar bear.
Just so everybody is clear
I’m gonna put my glasses on
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.
It's a pun-croc band.
I snacked on fire ants and now I have heart burn!
Guess I should take an antacid….