I’ve just been banned from r/childfree.
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] …“The men I please are none of your damn business!”
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole
Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.
If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,
“My roof has disappeared”
I, for one…
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
There is a guy stealing Iphones around town
He is probably going to face time
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
No text found
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill
By walking… JK rolling
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton…
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it…
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her…
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?
The latter.
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
There’s an air base in Massachusetts. I’ve flown above it a few times
Over Andover again
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
I have a horse named Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.