I’ve just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there’s no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
He was afraid of Capitalism.
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
it's where I flip your MOM over
How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom." Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone. Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award. Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."
I’m just in it for kicks.
My bosses tie
But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
now I only drink for evil
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
Boo tea. (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
She's an essential oil worker now.
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
Running out of gas!
I'm all ears
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.