I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
“You’re 1 joule per second, Harry!”
“I’m a Watt?”
I overheard this guy whispering Pokemon jokes to a friend
But I couldn't catch them all
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied…..
Thanks for the Baghdad
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
The past, present and future walk into a bar
It was tense
Wtf is an acronym.
No text found
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
Eventually I folded
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
Quick Question Guys. Is it “for fucks sake” or “for fuck sake”?
It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Has anyone else noticed that it’s the comedians that are speaking the most sense these days?
https://ift.tt/2VlQcmK
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
4 Nuns died in a car accident…
They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He’s almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* – So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. “James Fart! James Fart” the bullies used to make him cry…
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself: -I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name! Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation. -Ok, so… your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart… I'm sorry, I just… -I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember. After a long and tedious process, everything is ready. -Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead? -Charles Fart.
