I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
I named my dick sgt. Hartman.
Cause it's good at drilling privates.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you and I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 dollars on the floor and by time you bend down to pick it up I’ll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said to her “but ask him for 2000, pick up the money very fast he won’t have enough time to undress himself”. So she agrees! Half an hour later the boyfriend calls back and asks “what happened?” She responds: “The bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fucking!”
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
I accidentally drank some food colouring yesterday…
I'm alright, but I think I dyed a little inside.
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could have done for him.
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
I dig… You dig… He dig… She dig… We dig… They dig…
Now it's not a very beautiful poem… But it's quite deep
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
The fifth one was dead sirius.
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
Want to hear a joke about Construction?
I'm still working on it.