So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it…… BAMM!! !! !! … I'll fuck their boyfriends
He puts on another coat!
It’s the little things that count.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
That's a deal you can't turn down.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
No text found
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
In the Ark hives
A receding hair line.
They charged him with attempted murder.
Nothing. It’s on the house.
because it takes too long to walk in a V-shape
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
Quacks in the pavement.
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
So they can Scan da Navy in
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
Thanks for nothing
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like?”
I said, “Remains to be seen.”
Why does it have to be a group activity
He has serious selfie steam issues.
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
I don't know and I don't care.
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.