I’ve long suspected this.
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay…
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it…… BAMM!! !! !! … I'll fuck their boyfriends
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat!
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
I’m selling a TV for $1, but it’s broken and it’s stuck on the highest volume.
That's a deal you can't turn down.
My wife asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. ..
No text found
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
How much does it cost to park Santa’s sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
Why do birds fly in a V-shape?
because it takes too long to walk in a V-shape
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like?”
I said, “Remains to be seen.”
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
911 what’s your emergency?
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
I have a chicken proof lawn
It's impeccable
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president…
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
