ive looked at this for 5 hours now
Happy April Flu’s Day!
A non-prophet one
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
His dad replied, "no son".
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
As I was eating it, I said to myself, "It tastes just like home."
One is a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
He was really in a pickle.
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said “I’m warm.” Son piped up and said “I can finally say this – Hi Warm, I’m Dad.” Proud moment.
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The pupils. They dilate
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
That makes me an eighth theist.
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
There were two finalists – one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West. They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu. Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu." The crowd went wild – amazing for 20 seconds. Then it's the country bumpkin's turn: "Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
For the 22nd time.
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
Get in the car
We never turn our back on Family