I’ve never laughed harder in my life
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
2 fish in a tank. One says to the other,
How do you drive this thing
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
They lost my case.
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Three logicians enter a bar
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?
A meander-thal.
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
We de-liver
How do you tell a joke is a dad joke
It’s apparent
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
Which US president was least guilty?
Lincoln. Cause he was in a cent.
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
Dad, I feel fat and ugly… Give me a compliment…
Dad: You have good eyesight !
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
