My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
Never challenge death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m going to have my spine removed
All it does is hold me back
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept ringing.
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
Why do hobbit holes only have one entrance?
One does not simply walk into more doors.
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box
We don’t know who it belongs to, but we’re looking into it.
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
I’m going to name my first son Kelvin
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse
"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient." "Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she laughed at the mans penis, she composed herself as well as she could. "I'm so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" She ran out of the room…..
What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest…
…when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. They run until the get to an open field and come across a deer doing lines of coke. So the rabbit again says, "Deer my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel sooooooo good!" The deer looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and skunk. The three animals then come across a bear, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up. "Bear my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel more alive then ever!" The bear looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls and eats the little rabbit friend. The skunk and deer watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Bear, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The bear answers, "That little assclown! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
Why did the Corona Virus cross the street?
To help seniors get to the other side
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
I’m assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.
Since she can't even beat an egg
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it