Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot.
EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes.
EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s when I flip your MOM over.
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
I, for one…
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
There used to be 2 of them and now it’s a touchy subject
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
https://ift.tt/3eY0TEP
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was. They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country. They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?" "How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
The person who invented knock knock jokes
Should get a nobell prize
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
A man walks into a bar NSFW
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After nursing his whiskey he notices a horse in the back of the bar. Curious he asks the bar-tender: "Hey, why the horse in the back of the bar" "Oh, that horse is Jim. We have a pool going. If anyone can make Jim laugh they can have all the money. It's $100 to try." The man thinks for a moment, removes $100 from his wallet, places the money on the bar, walks back, and whispers something in Jim's (the horse's) ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The man walks back to the bar, orders another whiskey, shoots it, takes his winnings and leaves. A few months later this strange man comes back to the bar. Again he orders a drink and again he asks about the horse. The bar tender replies: "Well, since you were last here we needed a new wager. Same deal only now we are looking for someone that can make Jim cry". Then places his money on the bar and walks back to the horse and moments later returns ; a weeping horse in his wake and inquires to his prize money. The bartender not letting go so easily asked, "Hold on mister. You have to tell me. how you won both pools" The man replies: "Last time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him".
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn’t stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
porno_collection.zip
* sigh * unzips
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P