I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
My wife just said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
Trump book
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
Well, it’s finely chopped bits of cabbage and carrots
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while on her period?
They said she had a mean flow.
I really owe a lot to sidewalks.
They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days
It will be a sadder day
Why do ducks grow feathers?
To hide their butt quacks
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding
When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration. “What’s a licence” she asks So the cop explains what a licence is. The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop. “I also need to registration” reminds the cop “What’s a registration” she asks So the cop explains what a registration is to her. “I have one of those” she says as she grabs it and hands it over. So the cop takes the licence and registration back to his car to write up the ticket. As he’s writing up the ticket he tells his partner how dumb this blonde is. His partner thinks a minute and says “when you take the ticket to her, give her everything then drop your pants to see what her reaction is.” So the cop finishes writing up the ticket and heads back to the blonde. He hands her her licence, registration and the ticket then drops his pants. The blonde looks confused for a second then her face falls, “oh no, not another breathalyzer test”
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
My wife asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
This is a Mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes. The next person to grab one is Donald Trump: "Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out. Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy. "Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lifed a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
Prove us wrong, Sen. Kelly Loeffler, wife of the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange
https://ift.tt/3fCrkjN
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
They were Stalin.
[NSFW] My office had an OSHA violation
It's Not Safe For Work
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!