I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
A police officer stopped a car for speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.
Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.
Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.
The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later the Cuban man takes out a very fancy cigar, has one puff and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the Cuban man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later, the English man throws the Indian man out the window.
My dad keeps on buying ladders
Just to get high
House Fire
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
A Boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do. He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, “So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half,” The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”. “Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager. The boy replied, “There all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said. The boy replied, “Really!? What team did she play for?”
Hooters
Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay."
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone
It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
Doctor, I have a sexual problem.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
It’s a great time to be an ER doctor.
Business is really surgeon.
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
Stop looking at Reddit and get a piece of paper and write the second last letter of the alphabet.
If you do it you'll see why.
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.