I’ve seen this photo 10 times now and gets less funnier each time i see it
Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
I gave all of my dead batteries away today,
free of charge.
I once made a belt out of $50 bills
It was a waist of money
“Mom? What’s dark humor?”
“Well son…you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.” “Mom! I’m blind.” “Exactly.”
To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
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A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he’s right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.
"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!" And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way. Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the back and saw the whole thing. He doesn't want any trouble, so he calls up a couple of friends, and together they take the big crucifix down and hide it. As an afterthought, the priest leaves a small desk crucifix in its place. Sure enough, the drunk man comes back with his shotgun. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the tiny crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right in front of it, he leans over real close and says, "Hey, kid, where's yer dad at?"
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
Asked me girlfriend if I was the only one she’d ever been with
She replied “yes, the rest were nines and tens”
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and…………………….tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.