I’ve spent the last four years looking for my wife’s killer
but no one will do it
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
I learned the name of Baby Yoda’s mother…
It's "Yomama"
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
I almost got raped in jail
My family takes monopoly too seriously
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.
It's called "wedding cake."
Why do women seem so surprising?
Because everyone exclaims "woah man" when they see them
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbeelievable
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months and
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
A gay man, a straight woman and a programmer are stranded on a deserted island.
During the first night, the gay man goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the woman so he could have a normal sex life. The second night, the woman goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the gay man so she could have a normal sex life. The third night, the programmer kills both the woman and the man so he could have normal sex life.
People say vegans are annoying
But I've never had any beef with them.
How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Broom Temperature.
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
At a second hand store.
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did…
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple. "Who is it?" "It's Mark." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well son, come in." Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia." "Very well son, come in." At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York." "Very well son, come in." Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
She got fired from the hot dog stand…
… for putting her hair in a bun.
Kentuckians
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?
It had a bison.
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piñata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike–Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike–it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice. "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're on the team for this Sunday's match!"
To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.
(Edit: no, you won’t)
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.