I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of dried grapes
God has spoken
This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
What does a goat put on after his pants?
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, “is that a fret?”
4 Nuns died in a car accident…
They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
Yo Mama so fat
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
What’s the cheapest meat? Deer balls.
They're under a buck.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
I’ll smash your smug screen in
My local Chinese restaurant isn’t playing around
Hahaha …. aaaaaahh :(
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
Sure, always blame the millennials
grandma posted this on Facebook. cut me deep
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
No text found
What’s the definition of irony?
My neighbour's "No Tespassin" sign.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
The just went through a grueling 31 day March.
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
Yea, I’ve got culture.
I asked a pretty young homeless lady if I could take her home.
She said Yes, but didn't look pleased when I walked off with her cardboard box.
So it is…
What did Han Solo say to Greedo before they played a game of Horse?
I'll shoot first.
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
No text found
Disney acquiring the Star Wars Franchise
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
From my boss
the superior species
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
I’m a man that knows my boundaries.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
The new normal.
60 b/m 60 diastolic.. But 135 systolic..
So I made a graph of all my past relationships…
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
Hopefully, Lincoln represents the vote in November.
3 in 5 people suffer from anxiety.
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
I was going to post a time travel joke
But you didn't like it.
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Looking at the situation in USA
You have no idea what kinda power i have
My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"
I owe my degree to Wikipedia
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
Someone explain this to me
The Daily life of a conservative
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink. Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?” The place goes dead still. Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know. “Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde. “So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” “Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
NOW I am intrested
Dads are like boomerangs
Please listen to him 😭😭😭
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
Were you offended on facebook?
“Don’t play with your food, Kevin!”