Jack And Jill
Jill and Jack go to Catholic school. Jill is known for sleeping.
The teacher asks Jill “Who created Earth?”
Jack pokes Jill with his pencil.
She yells “Oh my God!”
“that is correct Jill.”
She goes back to sleep.
The teacher asks Jill “Who is our Lord and Saviour ?”
Jack pokes Jill.
Jill yells “Jesus Christ!”
Teacher says “Correct again Jill.”
Jill goes to sleep.
Teacher asks Jill “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Jack pokes Jill.
Jill yells “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!”
My mom looked at my dad. My dad clenched his fists. My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT" …. My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"
But not if you die late.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Turns out it was just another dad choke.
I turned 22.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
It’s because they look up to me.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Because they are ICE-O-LATED
He felt his presents.
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
"Cock, a doodle do."
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
A) No B) A little C) Señor
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal When you ask for money he doesn't treat it like a cross examination at a war crimes tribunal His dance moves suddenly triple in number
the shower gets turned on.
…but he didn't know it was a magic forest. As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree". The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
Battle royale with cheese.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
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And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!