Jail is more than just a word…
… it's a sentence
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
Dr. Frankenstein asks Igor if he knows where his monster wandered off to.
Igor responds, "I'm not sure, but I have a hunch."
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"
What do short people in Minnesota like to drink?
A Mini-soda
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
Saw an ad for a DeLorean with low milage…
…said it was only used from time to time.
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
It’s probably stuck in the mail.
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
I’ve just been banned from r/childfree.
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
Have you heard about brooms?
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
What’s an angry window made of?
Tempered glass
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
