JAJAJA LMAO XD SO FUNNY
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
Spot
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
Can a ninja hit a fly with a ninja star?
Shuriken.
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
I still remember my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
I have a complicated phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex complex. Credit: my buddy Drew
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her. Stranger: What is your name, sad lady Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it. Edit: Wow, thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
A husband and wife were having dinner…
…at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?" The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress." The wife angrily says, "Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough, and I want a divorce." He replies, "I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce’s and Ferrari's in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband tells her, "That's his mistress." The wife says, "Well, ours is prettier."…
Don’t make fun of fat people with lisps…
They're thick and tired of it
What do you call an erection at a funeral?
Mourning Wood
What’s the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones..
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
Why doesn’t the bullet have a steady job
Because it keeps getting fired
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend…
Then I saw the next two letters…
I’d tell you a joke about a roof…
But it would be over your head.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "That's from Grandma."
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Why isn’t there a decent setting for these toast machines?
Why isn’t there a decent setting for these toast machines?
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn’t be a musician.
But did he listen?
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
I discovered eggs Benedict is best served on a vintage hubcap.
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
What’s up with dat!?