Japunny
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
NSFW
Oral sex in the morning? I call that a Head Start.
Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19
This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
Sting has disappeared, The Police have no lead
No text found
The other day I was washing the car with my son
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…
My doctor said it's my grains…
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
My friend is obsessed with monorails.
He truly has a one track mind.
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear
Ahh Migraines!
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.
The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!" The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
My ex wife drowned in coffee
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
Reason I’m poor
Reason I’m poor
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
a man woke up after a serious accident and he said “I can’t feel my legs!!”
the doctor said “I know you can’t, i’ve cut off your arms!
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.