Javascript is Good!
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
What did the Roman fighter say about his cannibalism?
He was gladiator.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
The guy who stole my diary just died…
My thoughts are with his family!
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins….
….I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
Sales pitch
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
The boomer who shared this made sure to let everyone know that the mechanic was his favorite
https://ift.tt/2Xp5fyC
Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.
They come with that Elon Musk.
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."
I don’t like stand-up comedy
But I do like sitting down
I keep telling myself to quit drugs
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
How are you supposed to know its funny if the background doesn’t tell you so??
https://ift.tt/2UxT6W5
I don’t often tell Dad jokes…
But when I do, he usually laughs.
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip
The police charged me with hummus-cide
It’s strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education…
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
