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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcgtoxRXnRk&feature=share
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water…
Schwepped her off her feet…
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide…
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
Yesterday I Spotted an Albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
My wife says she is leaving me because I make geology puns all the time.
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
Constipation is when your body just doesn’t give a shit.
No text found
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
“Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
What’s the point of swearing if you are gonna censor it anyway?
What’s the point of swearing if you are gonna censor it anyway?
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
A cop pulled someone over
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English. Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
I had sex for 3 hours last night…
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
The joke is that this SHOULD be a fake tweet but…it’s real… how .. the …is this real
https://ift.tt/2UtRTPh
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down
How many people can you fit on a motorcycle in Rio de Janeiro?
About two Brazilian
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
So, Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
There was a man named John Odd
There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name. People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that. So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doesn't want his name on the gravestone. He just wants to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, nothing. So he dies, and his wife respects his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but everytime someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, "Look, isn't that Odd?"
Five gangsters walk past a local diner
The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!" The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?" "I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow the owner into the diner, and then they enter the kitchen. In the back, a man is furiously scrubbing metal pots and pans so hard that he's damaging them. The owner points at the man and says, "My new dishwasher guy is scrubbing the dishes too hard! He's scratching them up and refusing to stop! At this rate, I'm going to have to replace all my dishes!" One of the gangsters rolls his eyes and says to another gangster, "Yo G, I got this." The gangster taps the dishwasher on the shoulder and says, "Dude, ease up on those dishes." But the man keeps scrubbing. Another one of the gangsters says, "That won't do it, G," and he tries to spin the dishwasher around to face them, but the dishwasher man won't budge. "C'mon idiot, ease up on those dishes!" But the man is still scrubbing. The third and fourth gangsters try shouting in the man's ears, "EASE UP ON THOSE DAMN DISHES!" But the man scrubs away. Finally, the fifth gangster has had enough and start pulling on the dishwasher to get him away from the sink and the dishes. Another G joins in, followed by the rest, pulling as hard as they can. But it's no use, and they all fall to the floor exhausted while the dishwasher keeps scrubbing, no sign of easing up on the poor dishes. The owner is shocked and shakes his head in disbelief, "I can't believe it, I was sure this would work." The fifth gangster looks at him exasperated and says, "Dude, why the hell did you think this would work? What can five gangsters do against a dishwasher who's basically superman?" The owner replies, "I know it sounded crazy and I had no evidence to prove it, but I really thought that 5Gs could cause dish ease."