My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
Why’s there no original content on this site anymore?
because everyone's already Redd-it
What is GEN Z’s least favorite toy?
a BOOMERang. Ha.
Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
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My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
What does a robot do after sex?
It nuts and bolts
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
āCongratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugsā
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: āJesus knows youāre here.ā
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: āJesus is watching you.ā Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. āDid you say that?ā he hissed at the parrot. āYep,ā the parrot confessed, then squawked. āIām just trying to warn you that he is watching you.ā The burglar relaxed. āWarn me, huh? Who in the world are you?ā āMoses,ā replied the bird. āMoses?ā the burglar laughed. āWhat kind of people would name a bird Moses?ā āThe kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.ā
Is slaying cheeks worth the risk in the pandemic
https://youtu.be/J3bVYE2B-2s
Christen Joke
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
Bros Vs. Hoes.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesnāt come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friendās house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
Reason I’m poor
Reason I’m poor
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
It can offer a whole lot more.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, āCan you imagine being that strong?ā
So I picked up the leaf and said, āYes.ā
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But thatās a whisk Iām willing to take.
The King of Spain is now quarantined on his jet
The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
A cop pulled someone over
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English. Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I don’t often tell Dad jokes…
But when I do, he usually laughs.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, āLook at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but itās completely gone now. My hair canāt be saved. But look outside at the forest. Itās such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later theyāll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.ā āWhat I want you to do,ā the man continued, āis, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our familyās duty to keep this forest strong.ā So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.