If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.
Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
If you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your tea…
It just becomes saltea.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today…
I bought it at a Yard sale.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
I’ve just been banned from r/childfree.
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
What do you call a zombie who writes his own music?
A decomposer.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?” The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.” So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
I don’t get any of these dad jokes in this community!!!!
I must not have Reddit right.
My brother who has a stutter is in prison.
It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
Never fight a dinosaur,
You'll just get jurass-kicked.
You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion. He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do. The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?" "Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! " "Are you religious? the doctor asks. "Not at all," says the patient. "Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can." The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!" "No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!” The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.