Found in my english textbook
Posted this 3 years ago but still my oc
In a lot of ways I’m like Nichola Tesla.
I’m bad at marketing.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
What is the root of all evil?
Found this repo
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Who even thinks up this stuff?!
now that's a site for sore eyes
The Great Orange has spoken
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
They were OK with it then
I don’t give a f—
Aren’t conspiracy theories fun?!
This pretty much sums it up
Joe Biden may not be exciting to liberals (myself included), but let’s keep perspective here
How can I learn this power?
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
I used to date a baker
But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.
My dad said he’s going to a concert.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
sitting at computer for 50 years until you die
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
We all know the show is called spongebob squarepants
But Patrick is the star
Haha wife bad
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
Every trump supporter I know when they heard about the stimulus package
Outstanding move ?
After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor
He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people. He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave him the death sentence. The day finally comes and he enters the electric chair room. They ask for his last meal and he asks for one banana. He eats the banana and goes to the chair. They shock him but somehow after the shock he's still alive. Everyone in the room is like "Oh wow he lived, welp i guess we'll let him go." So off he goes back into the world (with a really poor legal system). He decides that he still wants to be a train conductor. So he goes back to being one, he's so confident nothing will go wrong this time. Aaaand then he crashed again, killing even more people. He went back to court again and of course the judge gave him the death sentence. He goes back into the death chamber he was once in, and this time for his last meal he asks for just two bananas. He eats them and goes to the chair. They really dont want him to live so they push the electricity even higher this time. However once again he lives. Everyone in the room is so astonished they dont do anything when he walks out. So this absolute madman decides to conduct trains again. What do you know he messes up again. So he goes to court and all that and he's back in the death chamber. When they ask what he wants for his final meal he says that he wants three bananas. They say "No you can't have your bananas, every time you've had them you survive the execution." They don't give him his bananas or any other choice for a last meal and throw him into the chair. They crank the electricity up to full power and sparks fly everywhere, the room is filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, he's just sitting there smiling, unscathed. They're so confused and even scared, they ask him how he somehow survived a dose of electricity that should kill anything it touches. His answer? "Well really im just not a good conductor." Sorry for the long and probably badly written joke
My code vs. the computer
Don’t be down server, you are going great!
Where nightmares comes from
My mom literally just posted this on FB
It was a great ambush
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
Basically what he’s saying.
“Socialism for me, not for thee.” – GOP motto
Why don’t Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
… slightly above “The Astronomical”
For once I actually want you to “stick it to us liberals”
It’s almost like someone fucked up
Please! Just connect me with a human…
But Why, Google? Why?
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
Ok Tea Party, it’s your time to shine! Oh, what’s that I hear? Crickets?
I’m not saying. But I’m saying.
Too much of free time
A couple goes to a sex therapist..
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip….
On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital. Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery. After many hours of waiting, the surgeon finally comes to speak with him. “Mr. Smith, I’ve got some bad news for you. Your wife has been paralyzed from the neck down. She will be unable to perform even the most basic functions as a human being. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her clothes, clean up her stool, and take her to many, many appointments for the rest of her life. This will be a true test of your love for this woman.” Upon hearing this news, Mr. Smith breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Just then, the surgeon smiles and pats him on the back. “Relax Mr. Smith. I was just fucking with ya….she’s dead.”
Two engineering students were walking across campus…
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike." The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
I tried to make a meme
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
When it’s always someone else’s fault…
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
This one was in a PowerPoint for my psych class.
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
I don’t :( I am just good with frontend technologies
For those who remember the Marlon Brando / Christopher Reeve movie…
not a boomershumor but a boomer roast, I hope this is allowed
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
So perfect, so misfortunate
A Chinese man enters a Jew’s lingerie store…
-I want 20 black bras size 85 D. The Jew: -Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one. -It does not matter, said the Chinese, -I'll pay. He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again. -I want 30 black bras size 85 D. -Yes, of course, said the Jew, -but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one. -It does not matter, I'll pay. said the Chinese, paying for the purchase. A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew. -I want 100 black bras size 85 D! -Yes, but their price has jumped a lot, the Jew said, -it is extremely difficult to deliver them; Now they are 55$ for each one, -It does not matter, I'll pay, replied the Chinese. As the jew packed the order, angry with curiosity, he asked: -Excuse me, but can you tell me what do you do with so many bras? -I cut them in the middle and sell as Jewish caps for 200$.
Be a man own to your mistakes
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Too bad he couldn’t make golden ingots
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.