Jedi’s make lousy spouses
They always threaten to use divorce.
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
What’s big, gray, and makes you jump?
The elephant of surprise.
We should have known the Soviet Union would collapse.
There were a lot of red flags.
Wife: we shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
Never challenge death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
I wanted to tell a cashier joke.
But I didn't think it would register.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!” The priest says: “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says: “No son, you’re not.” Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says: “Jesus Christ, you’re back again?!”
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
I went to the doctor and told him I couldn’t hear through one ear..
Doc: "Are you sure?" Me: "…I'm Definite."
Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to…" Prostitute: "c'mon man…. give it a try… " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to…." "…pay you" replied the old man.
I got an email that said “You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
https://ift.tt/3drAqOT
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
Kid: what does a condom do?
Dad: nothing, apparently.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
Dad fell through a shop window.
Now he's in pane.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating…..
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch