Jesus
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
Why did the blind guy fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
Prostitute rates…NSFW
Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates. She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.” The man says, “ok, heres $50.” The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!” The man then replies, “ class my ass, i want it 5 times on the grass!”
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
If I were American, I’d vote Bernie…
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free
I guess I can’t really be mad about seeing the same jokes made on this sub
With a whole profession built around copy and pasting stack overflow it only makes sense you guys would copy and paste the same jokes over and over again
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off. "Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
Went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
2 reasons I don’t give money to homeless people:
They would spend it on alcohol. I want to spend it on alcohol.
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
What does Yoda call a shape with three sides?
A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwww.
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
termites on a date
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back for seconds
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper “Wanna hear a joke about blondes?”
Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers "Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe… he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says "OK, FINE… I won't tell the joke… I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.