Jesus
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane!
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
Why wouldn’t the hipster swim in the river?
It was too main stream
![[OC] Guess The Pun #48 – Watch the sideeye, Sass-lan…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/no_image_card-37-400x247.png)
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesnât
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
I've said it before.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
atlantis in the bathroom ???
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
I just found out thereâs no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess thereâs no need to try pot roast.
My wife told me that I had to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
I have got some news for her.
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite
Itâs âA man ran by a campsiteâ because itâs past tents
Whatâs red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
I hate my job.
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
9/11 Jokes aren’t funny.
But the other 2 are.
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
