Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood."
Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body."
Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
Ba na na na
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
Did you hear that Michael Jackson’s had a sex change?
He identifies as he/he.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”
Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.
Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .” “Great,” says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.” As Jess is leaving, he stops, “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.” “Not a problem”, says Tom. “After 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.” Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.” “Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.” “More'n likely be some wild sex, too.” “Now that‟s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?” “Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Who first used propaganda?
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side… This joke was a little forced.
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
I wish I was a lost redditor
No text found
The American healthcare system is as perfect as Trump’s call with the Ukrainian President
https://ift.tt/2Cdw3Go
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
How do you tell a joke is a dad joke
It’s apparent
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.” The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!” “No, because he’s heavy.”
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins…
…because they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning