Jesus at Last Supper
*break bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*open jar of mayo*
Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Iāll tell ya later
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldnāt touch.
The *For Biden* files.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flameā¦
ā¦it smells like burnt nose hair?
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
I went to the doctors recently He said: āDonāt eat anything fattyā I said: āWhat, like bacon and burgers?ā
He said, āNo. Fatty, donāt eat anything
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.
I like telling Dad jokes
Sometimes, he laughs!
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
[National dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
Whatās the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
My ex-girlfriend used to beat me with stringed instruments.
I didnāt know she had a history with Violins.
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn't
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
Apparently thereās a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldnāt be affected.
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..
…to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do." The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…"
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name
'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. āWhatās your name?ā he asked the new guy. āJohn,ā the new guy replied. The manager scowled, āLook… I donāt know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I donāt call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .ā¦ Thatās all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, whatās your last name?ā The new guy sighed, āDarling. My name is John Darling.ā āOkay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .ā
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you donāt.
What do you call an ostrich in debt?
An ostpoor.