Jesus at the pearly gates
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
Same middle name
It was motherfucking gold.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily A voice was hears in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
I’m the spokesperson
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Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
I'm also 100% in prision.
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
Then I could sleep longer.
r/NASAmemesFeel free to join if you’re interested!
They got stuck at C
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
Best trade ever.
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
The plot thickens!
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. "Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!" The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h…how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: "Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
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