Jesus Christ, would you look at the time?
Two blondes went out deer hunting…
…and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier." So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground." "Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our pick up."
A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
We should use Hillary Clinton’s emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
Passwords
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one." roses "Sorry, too few characters." pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." 1fuckingprettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." 1FUCKINGprettyrose "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." 1FuckingPrettyRose "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow! "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow "Sorry, that password is already in use."
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we are having for dinner tonight
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
My wife just said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
A man goes to a dear friend’s funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.
She says "Go ahead". He says "Plethora". She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".
If a midget smokes weed…
does he get high or medium?
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
What breed of dog leaves permanent paw prints?
A Sharpei 🖊
A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"
Did you hear about the butcher that sat on his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past!
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
What language is only spoken among mailmen?
Parcel tongue
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
Why dont chickens insult each other?
They dont like getting roasted
If Matthew McConaughey had a cat, what color would it be?
All white, all white, all white.
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
