Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.”
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.”
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!”
The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Day 2 of wfh and things are getting pretty weird. The guy I’m supposed to pair with gets pretty annoyed if I don’t pay him attention, but most of what he says about my code is unintelligible. He also seems to never get past the login screen on his computer. I don’t think he’s getting any work done.
https://ift.tt/2wQK9Oq
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drinker
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped
Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
What kind of car does someone visiting Norway drive?
A Fjord Tourist.
An idiot has a mirror in his closet.
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops “Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!” A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can. “Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!”
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.”
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
Did you hear what they are going to call the generation of kids born 9 months from now?
Children of the quarn.
Oops.. I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water they’d sneeze all the time.
Jesus at Last Supper
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
Anyone else?
Anyone else?
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
America will never know a finer moment than when this abomination is out of office.
https://ift.tt/2N1G8uS
He had a small orange spot on the tippy tip of his chin
that is, until he… scrubbed it!!!
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.