Jesus walks into a bar
“Just twelve waters please!” Winks at disciples
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
My wife asked me “Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
What do you call an evil Muslim?
Muhahahahahahammed
Why are gay people bad at math?
Because they can't multiply.
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
What do you call an orange with a telescope?
A satzoomer.
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
“My wife looked at me and said, “you weren’t even listening were you?”
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl…
One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
Did you hear about the satellites that got married?
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
Why can’t T-rexes clap?
Cause they’re extinct
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
What did the casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
Apparently every country got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
I tried to explain my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table