Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.
They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each. Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out." They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub.
They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, John said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me." Jim replied, "How do you think I feel.. I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
What do you call a constipated detective?
no-shit Sherlock
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
“My wife looked at me and said, “you weren’t even listening were you?”
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
A husband and wife were fighting.
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.
"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.
My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
I stole a wig
I just didn't want toupee for it
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
My Dad just hit me with this one
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, “I want u so badly.”
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she can’t get rid off.
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!" The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
What’s 6.9?
A good time ruined by a period.
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
“Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”