Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.
Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"
"This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

Maybe we can relate to the youth better by putting a cartoon about gadgets in a textbook!
https://ift.tt/2P1Qygl
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldn’t see himself doing it
If I had to describe myself in one word..
It would be "bad at following directions"
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…
…the NSA will finally read it.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
My wife always screams during sex
But, it’s usually when I walk in

(sigh)
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke…
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
Why do Americans still think they are in “The Greatest country in the world”?
When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Christmas is the present holiday.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is

DEEPFIRED: Australian PM Scott Morrison known as Scomo caught taking another break
https://ift.tt/2ZJgQaV
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
Why does Waldo from the Where’s Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted
My wife told me to stop being a flamingo..
.. So i had to put my foot down
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.