Job interview
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?"
I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from. "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros." "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet." "That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church." The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest. After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.
"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course – I think the police are wonderful – but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?" "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct." "What about if I were just to think it?" "No sir. You can think whatever you like." "In that case, I think you're a cunt."
I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
And Jesus said “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
I ain’t sayin she a gold digger
but she did migrate to California in 1849.
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
At a second hand store.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
During a parole hearing.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.
Spot on!
https://ift.tt/35cKZB2
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur