John Doe becomes John Dough on Pizza Hut app
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm…
And says "A beer please and one for the road."
Wife: Honey, I’m going on a business trip to London.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
knock knock
who's there? The electrician to fix your doorbell
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
I cant take My dog to the pond anymore cuz the geese keep attacking him.
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.
I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving. Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!
Why are kleptomaniacs the best baseball players?
They steal all of the bases.
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.
"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam. "Because i iron better than you." answered the maid. Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?" "your husband did." Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?" "i cook better than you, madam." "who said that?" "Your husband did." A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she is still unwilling to admit defeat. "Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly. "i have sex better than you, madam." coolly answered the maid. With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "did my husband say that?" The maid answered, "no, the gardener did." "Oh, so how much do you want?"
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Man walks into a bar with a boot on his head
The Canadian bartender says, "what's that about?" Man says, "yes."
I’ve been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it’s starting to get serious.
She asked me to move out with her.
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
What do you call a hippies’ wife?
Mississippi
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
Some people really like Orion’s Belt
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
Dirty Old Man Joke #536
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered – 'Is that one word, or two?'
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
“How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma”
Oh shit this isnt google
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
A really annoying loophole
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together…
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"