Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.
"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.
Edit: This is not my joke
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
Happy Halloween kids
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Must be hard on the neck
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
“obamacare is a disaster”
Why does every pothead want to be 5’8″ in height?
Then they literally 4'20"
My dad has a boomer comic in his office
Medicare for All helps EVERYONE
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do….
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
Shamelessly stolen from facebook
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
How did the potato feel about being uprooted?
It was a root awakening.
I MADE MY FIRST MEME TODAY
More husband/wife jokes
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
A brief origin of lyme disease
Quick, how many Newtons do you weigh?
This is why electron dosent smile
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
Because he’s GAY! Get it?!?
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
The Public’s Priorities
Finally finished my huge book on the history of clocks.
It's about time.
What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the backside?
A mega sore ass.
Fixing bug in Production 😄
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
Idk what to put
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
Pragmatism in action…
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
Literally (Idk if this has been already posted here)
Why did the bowling alley close down?
The staff went on strike.
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
What is a horse’s favorite kind of wine ?
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
Colbert on Inheritance
Healthy, Schmealthy …
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
For the n-th time, that’s not what we do
“The Prophecies of Nostradumbass” (hope this hasn’t already been posted)
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Laura Ingraham wants to talk to COVID-19’s manager.
My 7 year old daughter
Driving home from my family's Christmas party. Daughter – Dad, on Friday I need some French fries. Me – confused..why?? Daughter – because it's Fry-day. So proud.
This one guy I know on Facebook has been pumping out gold.
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
I made my own boomer comic
Caught this beauty while reading some /r/TrumpCriticizesTrump material
Big boomer brain
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
*Laughs in joker*
Every dev ever
Grandpa always keeps conversations fun.
Ban pre shredded cheese.
Make America grate again!
A British man, a Fench man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
This one’s an absolute zero
Smudge the cat goes missing
Won’t Get Fooled Again
Ahh yes fruits and boobies
A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
Because if he moves he’s gonna get blasted
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
He liked to pump irony.