Jon Stewart in 2015 on Bernie Sanders being called unusual
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
Why did the butcher quit his job and become a cattle rancher?
He wanted to raise the steaks.
Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.
It's a pun-croc band.
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Maybe we can relate to the youth better by putting a cartoon about gadgets in a textbook!
https://ift.tt/2P1Qygl
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.
So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I guess it's your feet."
Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors and not 4?
http://bit.ly/2ECQ4Zh
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week."
English memes are dank, but German memes are danke.
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I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why was the Genie angry?
Because someone rubbed him the wrong way.
The King of Spain is now quarantined on his jet
The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field
But hay, it's in my jeans.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
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Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I have a scary joke about math but…
I’m 22 to say it.
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.
3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough. The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck. The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck. And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
