jontron cursed image
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by…
He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?" Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees. The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen. The guy dives right in, motorboating them like he's the captain of a ship and sucking and licking every square inch of em. About 10 minutes go by, and the somewhat frustrated lady says "Well are you gonna bite em?" The guy replies "No, because then I'd have to give you $1,000."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
I had a vasectomy so I won’t have kids
But when I got home, they were still there.
A book falls on Sean Connery’s head
"Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
Have you heard of the reverse exorcism?
It’s where the devil appears and asks the priest to get out of the child.
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful.
Watching American news lately fills me with overwhelming patriotism.
Because I'm Canadian.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell
They come with an Elon Musk.
I gave away my empty batteries.
They were free of charge!
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult for the couple to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, while his wife planned to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter of her email address, and sent the email without realizing his error. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from family and friends. But after reading her very first email, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I’ve Arrived Date: 21 February 2018 I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the mars?
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
What’s the opposite of sad pie night?
No text found
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Why did the dolphin delete the universe? Because:
(The punchline was removed from the universe)
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
An invisible man marries an invisible woman…
The kids weren't much to look at!
I Want A Divorce
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”
I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
I’m not an apologetic Canadian…
I'm sorry, I'm just not
Wife got mad when I told her I must hang out with the guys once a week.
She hates my mandates.