JonTron is so overused at this point
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity.
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
My wife asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
Got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I'll beheading there shortly.
A police officer pulls a man for speeding
Po: Sir im gonna have to write a ticket but i will give you a chance by answering a trivia question. Guy: Lets do this Po: There are two headlights coming from the end of the street. What is it? Guy: Its a car!! Po: Sure but is it a kia, is it a mazda? That was wrong but ill give you one more chance. There is one headlight coming down the street. What is it. Guy: Its a motorbike !!! Po: Sure but is it bmw , is it suzuki? Sorry man im gonna have to proceed with the ticket Guy: Hey give me one last chance. Ill ask you an easy trivia question and if you get it right go ahead and finish the ticket Po: Ok go Guy: Theres a lady at the corner of the street very late at night. She is wearing a mini skirt and a very tight blouse while waving and talking to men in cars. What is she? Po: She is a whore dude… Guy: Sure but is it your wife, is it your sister?
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
My 77 year old dad said this last night
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
What did the mouse use to build his house?
Cottage cheese
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I can’t tell if I like my new blender
It keeps giving me mixed results.
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
I just learned that a friend of mine who had a stutter died in jail
He didn't even complete his sentence
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!