Journalist on the war in Afghanistan
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
A man and his date were parked on a back road at night, far away from prying eyes when his date stopped him from going any further.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
![That moment you realise your relationship is actually an agile working team. What you had there wasn’t a date, it was a stand-up. [Found on r/MadeMeSmile]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/c3w5nc050ps31-400x368.jpg)
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?
The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
https://ift.tt/2Kmw9zz
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
What do you call a sleeping Triceratops?
A snoozosaurus.
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
The Hindenburg
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
So for Halloween I’m going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
