“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
I pushed a chinese person down a flight of stairs
It was wong on so many levels
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
It’s getting chilly!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Achoopacabra
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told em to pipe down.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft
What did the coat say to the hanger
We should hang out sometime.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
What do judges like to wear?
A law suit
How does NASA throw parties?
They planet.
Going against the grain here
Chinese takeout: $15.00 Gas to get there: $1.50 Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes… Riceless
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.
Like no bell prize.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
My girlfriend left me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who’s come crawling back
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
Actually the cat is both 50% in the bad and 50% not in the bag until we open it
https://ift.tt/2HlJjLn