Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why
Judge : it’s a fine
MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
State of the subreddit and the Hackathon, and going forward
So, the first thing I’d like to clear up is that the final Hackathon stream will finally be taking place this week and judging will conclude approximately a week later. Then we’ll hand out the prizes, announce the winners and get this whole thing done with. Extremely sorry for the long wait, but scheduling differences have made it very difficult to get everything fully coordinated. We’ll be running the next one sometime next year (likely in the summer), along with some big plans, so stay tuned. twitch.tv/programmerhumorNow, as for the subreddit: despite our new Rule #0 and strike system (although it has still been extremely beneficial), we’ve still been receiving much too many low effort and barely programming related posts. This is partially an issue of enforcement, and partially due to the subjectivity of r0. To remedy this, we’ve come up with two possible changes:All posts must go through moderator approval before being allowed on the subreddit.We will hold “Memeless Mondays”, in which all analogy memes which use non-OC templates will not be allowed. So this is good, this is not.Please note that we are not implementing these changes yet. We’d like to see your take on them first – what could we improve? What could we clarify? Could they work at all? Why or why not? We don’t want this subreddit wiped clean of posts, which 24/7 memeless would do, but I feel as if holding an experiment like this would definitely be a good idea. Tell us what you think. We’ll also be bringing back our repost bot soon, which will definitely bring at least a small improvement to content quality.However, our zeroth change will require a very significant new load on moderators. After the Hackathon concludes, we’ll be opening up applications again for several new mods (preferably as many as possible in the east). If you’d like to make ProgrammerHumor about actual ProgrammerHumor again, then’s your chance, so keep an eye out.Thanks for reading this and especially thanks if you give any feedback – this would be a huge shift for the subreddit so it’s not going to be taken lightly.
What’s tiny and can be found on the beach?
A Microwave.
Mother in law dies
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend,
but it was just my imagine Asian.
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
I got bored watching the earth turn…
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Did you hear the joke about the dyslexic man?
He walked into a bra…
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do take away.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay, the teacher woke him up!
I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world…
It's called Crystal Meh.
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
And Jesus said “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…
Then there's You, without either. Happy Valentines
I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name? Me: “Username-valid ” Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
How do locomotives know where they’re going?
Lots of training
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"