Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why
Judge : it’s a fine
MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
Dozen matter.
Insulting bus driver.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding
When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration. “What’s a licence” she asks So the cop explains what a licence is. The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop. “I also need to registration” reminds the cop “What’s a registration” she asks So the cop explains what a registration is to her. “I have one of those” she says as she grabs it and hands it over. So the cop takes the licence and registration back to his car to write up the ticket. As he’s writing up the ticket he tells his partner how dumb this blonde is. His partner thinks a minute and says “when you take the ticket to her, give her everything then drop your pants to see what her reaction is.” So the cop finishes writing up the ticket and heads back to the blonde. He hands her her licence, registration and the ticket then drops his pants. The blonde looks confused for a second then her face falls, “oh no, not another breathalyzer test”
If I had a Delorean
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
Caveman discovers weed
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
Why is it called Almond milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
In other news: Turtle grandpa can’t stop mitching about the consequences of his own actions
https://ift.tt/37V8bVV
Me, being forced to use Word again after three years of writing assignments in LaTeX
https://ift.tt/34m76nI
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?
He was a her before.
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
I have a scary joke to tell you about maths
But I’m 2² to tell it!
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
Why is “dark” spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark
John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding…
John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" John had his license Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?" John: "Sure" It was in his car Chief: "Could you open your glove box?" John: "Sure" There were no weapons Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?" John: "Be my guest" There were no bodies in the trunk Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk" John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
What do you call Batman when he skips church
Christian bale.
TIL: Children are born with four kidneys.
When they get older, two of them become adult knees.
